My New Year 2013

I mentioned in July 2012 that there were a number of worries bouncing around the House of Joy. Back then I wrote “I may share them, when I discover the words to express them, or I may see them float away into the realm of stuff-I-should-have-never-worried-about-and-quickly-forget-about before those words come to me.” Welp, it turns out that some of those worries did just float away but a few stuck around, pulling energy from me. For example, Aunt Sally? She’s doing great. But some other stuff…not so much.

I don’t do New Year’s resolutions. Instead, on my birthday I usually think about what I want my next year to be like; how I want to spend my time; and who I want to be. Yet, this year on my birthday I just couldn’t find the energy or time to think through my new year. I was far more focused on getting enough sleep to get through each week.

But then came the end of the year and a two week break from just about everything. I promptly got sick with strep throat, my nemesis. I slept and complained through Christmas. As I got better, the Mr. and I began the best type of vacation for parents: a sleeping holiday. Essentially one of us would wake up with PJ when he woke up (between 5 and 7am). Then when the other one got up (somewhere between 8 and 10am), the first one headed back to bed. When PJ laid down for his nap (between 10:30 and 12), we’d all sleep together. When PJ woke the second time, our day finally really got started. We’d spend each afternoon with friends or family or together out-and-about.

Rinse and repeat, with each of us taking the earliest shift every other day. Glorious, I tell you, glorious!

But back to the worries: the more sleep I got, the more energy I had and the more I started to think about this past year and, far more importantly, the year I am living in now. The fog started to clear and I gained a lot more clarity about what and who has been taking and giving energy. I also started to think through what I was going to do (or not do) for each of those ‘taking’ and ‘giving’ aspects of my life.

A number of those are too private for me to write about here, but two aren’t.

First, writing gives me energy and it is time for me to get back to my project. The characters and the plot have been running around in my head and I’ll start moving them onto paper tomorrow. I have no idea how I’m going to find time for this but like the very talented Katrina Kittle wrote on Facebook recently, “The secret to finding writing time is similar to saving money: pay yourself first. You will always find time later to clean the kitchen, shop for groceries, or grade the papers because you HAVE to. But the writing is too easily "put off" until everything thing is done...which means you never get to it.” This one, I’m going to start To Do. That feels good.

Second, the battle of being a working mom is exhausting.  Notice that I did not write ‘being a working mom is exhausting’ because being a working mom gives me energy. Its dealing with people who ask me, “Who is raising your child?”. Yup, got that question not once but twice. And who tell me, “Moms shouldn’t work.” Got that once followed by ‘I mean you’ll figure out what is okay for your family, but let’s be honest….’ And in an office environment in which “low performer” and “mother” can be used as synonyms in a meeting with no repercussions (in fact, I’m pretty sure I’m the only one that got annoyed by it).  

I know for a fact that I have been passed over for interesting work that fit my profile, growth plans, and willingness to travel to the T. I know that I was passed over because the man in charge of pulling the team together assumed I wouldn’t “want” to attend a weekly project meeting at 6 or 7pm local time without first talking to me. I’m confident that this has happened more than once.

I’ve had women who have children say, “Well, I want to have quality time with my children” and “If you want to work so much, why did you have a kid?”

I’ve had women who don’t have children say, “When I have a family, they will come first” and “Don’t you miss your kid? I would” and “Why does work come first for you?”

I’ve had men tell me, “Children need their mothers.”

I’ve even been asked if my child was an accident because I “rushed” back to work after nine months and when PJ was 13 months old, I started working full-time.

This shit exhausts me. Because, like racism, each time I run into these comments and these situations, I need to push back. Not always directly and never forcibly. But I need to push back. For example: (this is the EXACT conversation)

“Wer erzieht dein Kind?” (Translation: “Who is raising your kid?”)

“I’m sorry. I don’t understand the question. Could you ask it in English?” – me (who totally understood the question)

“Who is raising your son?”

“Are you asking me if he goes to a day care because yes, he goes to a day care. Don’t you have children?” – me

“Yes.” Followed by more details that I won’t share here out of respect for this person.

“Where are your children?” – me

“With their mother, of course!”

…or…

This is NOT the exact conversation – but the general sweep of it.

‘I heard about the XCG work and thought I could fit the profile. Could we talk about it?’ – me

‘Oh, I already have the team together. You would have been great but since the work is global, the meeting is going to be held every week at 6 or 7pm. So I didn’t think it would work for you since you have a kid.’

‘That really is a pity because I work full-time and on global work. I hope the next time we can have a conversation about the work together. Then I can decide if my work schedule and other obligations permit me to join the team. Good luck.’

I’ll be totally honest after both of these conversations -  in fact, all of them - I stewed. I bitched to people I trusted (learning in the process that these aren't personal, lots of working mothers deal with absurdity). I stewed more. I found myself literally grinding my teeth. And then I stewed  even more.

Now after our sleep vacation, I realize that I stewed a shit load of energy right out of my soul. And for what purpose? Those people who believe that people with a penis or an unused uterus are better employees, better team mates, better colleagues, and/or those who believes mothers who don’t work or work part-time are better mothers…they don’t care that I’m stewing. Lord, I significantly doubt they even notice.

This one, I’m going to start To Not Do. I’m not going to assume the burden of pushing back and entering into the battle for all women who work full-time. I’m not going to stew. Instead, I’m going to continue doing my work to the best of my ability with the highest level of professionalism I can muster. I’m going to continue being the best mother I can be (which I’m pretty sure is a great mother). I’m going to continue doing both. That also feels good.

Now, wait, that feels great.

So, here’s to my new year. I think it’s going to be a great one.


xo

Working Mommy Update

I have been putting off this entry although I know that I want to write it and a couple of people out there want to read it, I've seen other bloggers write about their experiences going back to work or stopping work and no matter how balanced and personal the entries were, someone was insulted. Sometimes those blogs got forwarded over Facebook or Twitter and while I guess it may be awesome to see click numbers shoot up - aint nothing pretty about the wacked out world of the so-called "mommy wars".

Additionally, when I started this blog I promised myself that I wouldn't throw anyone under the bus - no matter how much they may deserve it - and while I may complain (and I did write an open letter to Angela Merkel and my beloved son), I'm really proud that to date I haven't broken my promise. Could change. But not yet.

So, dear readers, some of you work and have children; some of you don't and don't; some of you work from home and have children; some of you work from home and don't have children; and for some of you, your job is your home and/or your children. If whatever choice you are making is working for you and your family: good for you. Seriously. Go own your choice and rock it.

Lord, I hope that covered it. Back to Pickles and Onions...

I started back at work part-time in April. Then on August 1, I moved up to full-time. I am not joking when people ask me what working is like and I tell them, "Like a vacation. Every day." Going to the bathroom by myself remains the highlight - even better than the hot coffee, the warm lunch I didn't cook myself, and the adult conversation that doesn't revolve around baby or kid stuff.

For the first few months, the Mr. was at home with our little man and the two of them had a blast. Then we started transitioning to day care. The place that PJ was suppose to start at got pushed back a little due to some renovation work, so his caregiver actually came to our house. I cannot even begin to explain how amazing that is - so, please just believe me. Even better: she is great, accepting of PJ and joyful in his strengths, aware of the areas that aren't so fun, and encouraging of who he is as a little man. She is also patient, funny, caring. And somehow showed him that his stroller is great and he can even fall asleep in there. She's also convincing him that he can take long naps without nursing to sleep or daddy's cuddling.
Her nickname here is gonna be Miracle M. Cause, well, she is. Please please please like your job and stay, Miracle M. We love you.

But back to the blog...(again)

Awhile ago I wrote part of my philosophy of life and how it relates to working out of the home and in the home. I haven't changed my opinion. I love being with my little man and sometimes I really miss him during the day. Okay, be honest: I miss him at some point almost every single day. But I cannot be -because I do not want to be - what I think my little man deserves. Someone engaged, excited, repetitive with love, geared to toddler needs and growth.

Frankly, I can only sing the same song twice in one day. I can read the same book four times. Tops. I can do the same puzzle maybe once. I can wander around the same playground only every other day. I can wipe little hands twice a day and no more. Diapers max out at five. For the love of God: no more.

I am not good at routine - that's why I work in organizational change management. I seriously have no idea what my work day is going to look like when it starts and I like that. I struggle to follow through with the small structures, routines that I (or we) have managed to build for PJ, even though I know that he thrives in that stability at this point in life. I still can't do it. Not all day. What I can do is go to work and think about complicated, somewhat emotional topics, struggling to understand the complexity (and sometimes simplicity) of new situations and problem. I can deal with attitude and annoyance and silliness and structures and politics and policies and laughter and so much more...and I can pull energy from it. Enjoy it. Grow with it. Pull my hair out with it. And then turn that around and give it to my family, including the daily rush to pick up little man from his day care.

The full joy of seeing him and, even better, him seeing me. That joy washes over me every day. It is the highlight of my working day.

So, basically, faithful readers - this is another way to write what I already wrote. I like working. I love being a mommy. I like being a working mommy.

Be jealous or be angry or be proud. Just don't bother being insulted because this isn't about you; its about the crazy Pickles and Onions clan.

PJ in his bike seat on our way home from Miracle M's.

xo

Video: Pick-You-Up

We've got a couple loyal Pickles and Onions readers out there that are in need of a pick-me-up. Turn up your speakers, click "full screen" on the video, and try to remember: life is good.

We are thinking of you and loving each of you from near and far.

Thanks to the Chelle Belle and her lovely husband for PJ's awesome CD of dancing music.

xo