What Love Sometimes Looks Like

Without going into unnecessary detail, 2015 has been rocky. Health has been a real treat (on a side note, I read that sarcasm is a sign of high-intelligence. My intelligence in 2015 has sky rocketed.) The topic of being a working mother has been even more difficult than I imagined in 2013. In fact, when I read my blogs about being a working mom in Germany, I'm actually somewhat amused at how innocent I was; how I thought I'd 'really' experienced the crushing judgement and loneliness of being a career-interested woman with children in Germany...and I hadn't even gotten past the tippy-top of the iceberg.

But I digress. We've had to all take time to heal-up, strengthen-up, step outside the norm, be true to ourselves. Do stuff we wouldn't usually do or ever want to do because that's what a family member needs.

Stuff like watch BBC's Pride & Prejudice with the one and only true Mr. Darcy while holding your wife's hand and not complaining out loud.

Sometimes that is what love looks like. 

XO

Mommy and Me Work Day

Recently PJ has been having a harder and harder time dealing with some attitudes and approaches of the German kindergarten system. It doesn't help that he is still having some challenges health wise that make him feel physically uncomfortable. Some days are good, most days are just average, and some days suck.

Last week was especially rough and on this past Tuesday he had an unusual and especially strong, negative reaction to entering his kindergarten group. He kicked, cried, clung to me. I tried to go but my parental intuition spoke up. Loudly. I got as far as my car, took some deep breaths, and turned around again. I secretly watched my little guy for a few moments and could see he felt sad, uncomfortable, awkward.

It is important that we all learn how to deal with uncomfortable feelings. It is important that we learn to adapt, to grow, to work through situations that cause us difficult feelings. We start developing those skills as soon as we are born and we continue developing them throughout our lives.

And sometimes we just need a break. Sometimes we need to be sheltered and cuddled and given space to not deal with the negative feelings.

So I picked up my almost-four-year old, held him extremely tight, told him how much I love him and that we were going to have an Exception Day together. Thankfully I work at a company that offers infrastructure for tight-moments. I could have worked from home - like I do more than half of the time anyways due to the global natural of my work - but I needed a printer.

So we went to the office and into the dedicated "Eltern-Kind Büro" (parent-child office) space for a few hours.
Side note: how awesome is it that that isn't yet another "mommy&me"?

I had never used the "Eltern-Kind Büro" before and was extremely pleasantly surprised that there is an entire playroom with tons of toys, books, and space. All of this was right next to a quiet, clean, tidy temporary office space with monitors, laptop docking stations, phones, charging units, and more. Actually it was much better stocked than the various office/desk spaces I use when I am in the office.
PJ was stoked. All those signs of sadness, uncomfortable-ness, and awkwardness dissipated. He was excited, proud, curious, active. Which is how I personally want to see my almost-four-year old.

It worked really well. I wrote, edited, and posted an internal blog. I updated a strategic presentation. I held two relatively informal meetings. PJ popped in and out but on the whole he was quiet and focused. Then suddenly I heard a very excited and extremely loud yell of excitement, followed by "Mommy! You have to come now and see what I did!"

This is what I found.

Look at that face. That excitement. That pride. We made the right decision. Everyone won.

The next day he walked into his kindergarten group, had a not-great-but-not-sucky day, and practiced learning how to deal with those uncomfortable moments. If only adults did the same.

XO

My New Year 2013

I mentioned in July 2012 that there were a number of worries bouncing around the House of Joy. Back then I wrote “I may share them, when I discover the words to express them, or I may see them float away into the realm of stuff-I-should-have-never-worried-about-and-quickly-forget-about before those words come to me.” Welp, it turns out that some of those worries did just float away but a few stuck around, pulling energy from me. For example, Aunt Sally? She’s doing great. But some other stuff…not so much.

I don’t do New Year’s resolutions. Instead, on my birthday I usually think about what I want my next year to be like; how I want to spend my time; and who I want to be. Yet, this year on my birthday I just couldn’t find the energy or time to think through my new year. I was far more focused on getting enough sleep to get through each week.

But then came the end of the year and a two week break from just about everything. I promptly got sick with strep throat, my nemesis. I slept and complained through Christmas. As I got better, the Mr. and I began the best type of vacation for parents: a sleeping holiday. Essentially one of us would wake up with PJ when he woke up (between 5 and 7am). Then when the other one got up (somewhere between 8 and 10am), the first one headed back to bed. When PJ laid down for his nap (between 10:30 and 12), we’d all sleep together. When PJ woke the second time, our day finally really got started. We’d spend each afternoon with friends or family or together out-and-about.

Rinse and repeat, with each of us taking the earliest shift every other day. Glorious, I tell you, glorious!

But back to the worries: the more sleep I got, the more energy I had and the more I started to think about this past year and, far more importantly, the year I am living in now. The fog started to clear and I gained a lot more clarity about what and who has been taking and giving energy. I also started to think through what I was going to do (or not do) for each of those ‘taking’ and ‘giving’ aspects of my life.

A number of those are too private for me to write about here, but two aren’t.

First, writing gives me energy and it is time for me to get back to my project. The characters and the plot have been running around in my head and I’ll start moving them onto paper tomorrow. I have no idea how I’m going to find time for this but like the very talented Katrina Kittle wrote on Facebook recently, “The secret to finding writing time is similar to saving money: pay yourself first. You will always find time later to clean the kitchen, shop for groceries, or grade the papers because you HAVE to. But the writing is too easily "put off" until everything thing is done...which means you never get to it.” This one, I’m going to start To Do. That feels good.

Second, the battle of being a working mom is exhausting.  Notice that I did not write ‘being a working mom is exhausting’ because being a working mom gives me energy. Its dealing with people who ask me, “Who is raising your child?”. Yup, got that question not once but twice. And who tell me, “Moms shouldn’t work.” Got that once followed by ‘I mean you’ll figure out what is okay for your family, but let’s be honest….’ And in an office environment in which “low performer” and “mother” can be used as synonyms in a meeting with no repercussions (in fact, I’m pretty sure I’m the only one that got annoyed by it).  

I know for a fact that I have been passed over for interesting work that fit my profile, growth plans, and willingness to travel to the T. I know that I was passed over because the man in charge of pulling the team together assumed I wouldn’t “want” to attend a weekly project meeting at 6 or 7pm local time without first talking to me. I’m confident that this has happened more than once.

I’ve had women who have children say, “Well, I want to have quality time with my children” and “If you want to work so much, why did you have a kid?”

I’ve had women who don’t have children say, “When I have a family, they will come first” and “Don’t you miss your kid? I would” and “Why does work come first for you?”

I’ve had men tell me, “Children need their mothers.”

I’ve even been asked if my child was an accident because I “rushed” back to work after nine months and when PJ was 13 months old, I started working full-time.

This shit exhausts me. Because, like racism, each time I run into these comments and these situations, I need to push back. Not always directly and never forcibly. But I need to push back. For example: (this is the EXACT conversation)

“Wer erzieht dein Kind?” (Translation: “Who is raising your kid?”)

“I’m sorry. I don’t understand the question. Could you ask it in English?” – me (who totally understood the question)

“Who is raising your son?”

“Are you asking me if he goes to a day care because yes, he goes to a day care. Don’t you have children?” – me

“Yes.” Followed by more details that I won’t share here out of respect for this person.

“Where are your children?” – me

“With their mother, of course!”

…or…

This is NOT the exact conversation – but the general sweep of it.

‘I heard about the XCG work and thought I could fit the profile. Could we talk about it?’ – me

‘Oh, I already have the team together. You would have been great but since the work is global, the meeting is going to be held every week at 6 or 7pm. So I didn’t think it would work for you since you have a kid.’

‘That really is a pity because I work full-time and on global work. I hope the next time we can have a conversation about the work together. Then I can decide if my work schedule and other obligations permit me to join the team. Good luck.’

I’ll be totally honest after both of these conversations -  in fact, all of them - I stewed. I bitched to people I trusted (learning in the process that these aren't personal, lots of working mothers deal with absurdity). I stewed more. I found myself literally grinding my teeth. And then I stewed  even more.

Now after our sleep vacation, I realize that I stewed a shit load of energy right out of my soul. And for what purpose? Those people who believe that people with a penis or an unused uterus are better employees, better team mates, better colleagues, and/or those who believes mothers who don’t work or work part-time are better mothers…they don’t care that I’m stewing. Lord, I significantly doubt they even notice.

This one, I’m going to start To Not Do. I’m not going to assume the burden of pushing back and entering into the battle for all women who work full-time. I’m not going to stew. Instead, I’m going to continue doing my work to the best of my ability with the highest level of professionalism I can muster. I’m going to continue being the best mother I can be (which I’m pretty sure is a great mother). I’m going to continue doing both. That also feels good.

Now, wait, that feels great.

So, here’s to my new year. I think it’s going to be a great one.


xo

Working Mommy Update

I have been putting off this entry although I know that I want to write it and a couple of people out there want to read it, I've seen other bloggers write about their experiences going back to work or stopping work and no matter how balanced and personal the entries were, someone was insulted. Sometimes those blogs got forwarded over Facebook or Twitter and while I guess it may be awesome to see click numbers shoot up - aint nothing pretty about the wacked out world of the so-called "mommy wars".

Additionally, when I started this blog I promised myself that I wouldn't throw anyone under the bus - no matter how much they may deserve it - and while I may complain (and I did write an open letter to Angela Merkel and my beloved son), I'm really proud that to date I haven't broken my promise. Could change. But not yet.

So, dear readers, some of you work and have children; some of you don't and don't; some of you work from home and have children; some of you work from home and don't have children; and for some of you, your job is your home and/or your children. If whatever choice you are making is working for you and your family: good for you. Seriously. Go own your choice and rock it.

Lord, I hope that covered it. Back to Pickles and Onions...

I started back at work part-time in April. Then on August 1, I moved up to full-time. I am not joking when people ask me what working is like and I tell them, "Like a vacation. Every day." Going to the bathroom by myself remains the highlight - even better than the hot coffee, the warm lunch I didn't cook myself, and the adult conversation that doesn't revolve around baby or kid stuff.

For the first few months, the Mr. was at home with our little man and the two of them had a blast. Then we started transitioning to day care. The place that PJ was suppose to start at got pushed back a little due to some renovation work, so his caregiver actually came to our house. I cannot even begin to explain how amazing that is - so, please just believe me. Even better: she is great, accepting of PJ and joyful in his strengths, aware of the areas that aren't so fun, and encouraging of who he is as a little man. She is also patient, funny, caring. And somehow showed him that his stroller is great and he can even fall asleep in there. She's also convincing him that he can take long naps without nursing to sleep or daddy's cuddling.
Her nickname here is gonna be Miracle M. Cause, well, she is. Please please please like your job and stay, Miracle M. We love you.

But back to the blog...(again)

Awhile ago I wrote part of my philosophy of life and how it relates to working out of the home and in the home. I haven't changed my opinion. I love being with my little man and sometimes I really miss him during the day. Okay, be honest: I miss him at some point almost every single day. But I cannot be -because I do not want to be - what I think my little man deserves. Someone engaged, excited, repetitive with love, geared to toddler needs and growth.

Frankly, I can only sing the same song twice in one day. I can read the same book four times. Tops. I can do the same puzzle maybe once. I can wander around the same playground only every other day. I can wipe little hands twice a day and no more. Diapers max out at five. For the love of God: no more.

I am not good at routine - that's why I work in organizational change management. I seriously have no idea what my work day is going to look like when it starts and I like that. I struggle to follow through with the small structures, routines that I (or we) have managed to build for PJ, even though I know that he thrives in that stability at this point in life. I still can't do it. Not all day. What I can do is go to work and think about complicated, somewhat emotional topics, struggling to understand the complexity (and sometimes simplicity) of new situations and problem. I can deal with attitude and annoyance and silliness and structures and politics and policies and laughter and so much more...and I can pull energy from it. Enjoy it. Grow with it. Pull my hair out with it. And then turn that around and give it to my family, including the daily rush to pick up little man from his day care.

The full joy of seeing him and, even better, him seeing me. That joy washes over me every day. It is the highlight of my working day.

So, basically, faithful readers - this is another way to write what I already wrote. I like working. I love being a mommy. I like being a working mommy.

Be jealous or be angry or be proud. Just don't bother being insulted because this isn't about you; its about the crazy Pickles and Onions clan.

PJ in his bike seat on our way home from Miracle M's.

xo

Return of the Bouncy Chair

Remember the blog that I wrote in April about returning to work? No? You can read it here.

In that post I wrote how the Mr was "loving the time without me putting my nose into his parenting all the time. He might have mentioned that aspect of me working a few times...okay, more than a few times." And I posted a picture to make my point, adding the caption "I do not recommend this approach."


Really, go back and read the entry.

Welcome back.

Anyways...a few evenings ago the Mr. ran into our bedroom, which I am currently using as an office as I try to balance family and work needs, proclaiming he had just made the BEST VIDEO EVER!

Yes, that would be my 11 month old child bouncing pretty energetically on his infamous bouncy chair with no safety harness, a hard floor below him, a metal fan within head-hitting range behind him, all while wearing no pants but for some reason socks and the German soccer jersey. And his dad's hands are busy making a video on our camera.

Sigh.

I have no desire to be a limiting parent who follows her kid around repeating: don't touch that! watch out! danger! etc etc etc. But at the same time ... well, I would not recommend this approach.

So it's a pretty good thing that I'm not always around because PJ had a great time building ever-better balancing skills as well as confidence in his abilities; the thrill of the bouncy chair seems to have dissipated; the Mr. enjoyed tons of PJ smiles; and - even I have to admit - it is a pretty awesome video.

My fearless, adventurous boys. Mommy's gotta keep up, huh?


xo

The Best Part of Being a Working Mom

About two weeks ago I returned to work after enjoying nine months of paid maternity leave. Thankfully I got to return to work part-time after four weeks of shared parental leave with the Mr, who is now enjoying three months with PJ (and without my constant interference).

Ah, socialist capitalism, I do so very much love you.

Frankly, dear readers, I was genuinely worried about returning back to work. How would PJ be without me? How would the Mr. cope? And, personally, how would I manage without PJ? Would I like working? Would I be able to hack being a working mom?

I'm only two weeks in but so far the answers are all pretty good. How is PJ doing without me? Lets just say that 'Da-De' is only growing in popularity in these parts. Naps are going great. Eating is going well. Playtime is getting rougher. Confidence is growing. Little man is doing very well.

My men doing their man thing.

And the Mr.? Yeah, he was a bit overwhelmed at first and expressed a good amount of concern about how repetitive the days with a baby are. But I do think he is enjoying the time and I know he is loving the time without me putting my nose into his parenting all the time. He might have mentioned that aspect of me working a few times.

Okay, more than a few times.

I do not recommend this approach.

And me? Allow me to pontify:

Being with a baby all day every day is physically exhausting. The walking, the crawling, the rocking, the soothing, the constant touch - especially the constant touch. Now? I sit in a comfy chair at a desk. I may walk to a coffee machine or a meeting room or not. The most physical contact I get may be a surprise hug from a colleague stoked to see me back at work. But mostly my body is just that: mine.

As physically challenging as it may be, being with a baby all day is at best intellectually draining. Honestly, it is mind-numbing: eat, play, sleep, eat, play, sleep, eat, play...you get the point. As an employee of one of the world's most successful software companies there is nothing but intellectual stimulation going on. Every conversation, every email demands that my brain focuses, digs through numerous sources and mounds of data, to work towards understanding and then begin considering, reevaluating, correcting (myself), estimating, planning...you get the point.

Oh, and for four hours a day, I get to go to the bathroom all by myself, with the door closed, for as long as I'd like. No babies climbing on my legs or whining outside the door. No rush because PJ has bumped his head or fallen down or whatever it is that he does as soon as I'm sitting on the toilet. Seriously, who would have guessed that a solo trip to the bathroom would be a highlight of returning to work?

But its not the best part about working. The best part is returning to my little man. Seeing his smile and hearing his giggle when I walk through the door. Holding him close and smelling his skin for the first time in five hours. Enjoying being part of that oh-so-special eat, play, sleep routine. Or, like tonight, spending almost 45 minutes on the night-time sleep routine and not only enjoying every single minute of it, but being especially thankful for the opportunity to be the person holding my little boy close, rocking him gently, and singing softly as he drifts into sleep.

That is the best part of returning to work. The gratitude.

The baby outranks the computer.

xo

Facebook Follow-up

Recently I posted on Facebook the following statement:

In just seven very short days Mr. starts his parental leave. Part of me excited; but the part of me that realizes that this amazing time with PJ  is coming to an end in just five weeks is very sad.

First thing: wow, I really need to reread my status updates for grammar in the future. Ouchie.

Second thing: I thought I was doing that Facebook thing of sharing what was going on in my head and moving on. But then private messages started finding their way into my Facebook and email inbox. I realized that I had also wandered into that strange world of parenting advice; the role of men and women at home; and the whole stay-at-home vs. career mom debate. Thankfully I'm Facebook "friends" with primarily rational, caring people and the messages never ventured into the aggressive, insulting, black-and-white realm one usually finds on the Internet. Instead they were full of mostly kind, supportive messages...that didn't really relate to what I was trying to express in very poor grammar. Instead they seemed to represent to me so many misunderstandings that pop up in conversations about parenting. 

Therefore, I decided to not just answer those personal messages but to also write a blog post in the hope that maybe I can help influence the overall conversation. Not that I'm asking too much of my little corner of the web.

Wink. Wink.

Please note: none of these quotes are real and have been created to represent those misunderstandings in a broad way.

To the misunderstandings:

1. "Yeah it really stinks when men try to get involved. They don't have the skills and just get in the way. But no worries! The four hours every day will pass quickly and your husband can't kill PJ that quickly." "Write down how to do everything, add a daily list of things to remember, and then call to make sure everything is going the way it should."

I am excited that the Mr. is coming home to be with us. Excited. And not just because he does stuff like laundry, grocery shopping, and cleaning the kitchen. I'm excited because I enjoy being with my husband and PJ loves being with his da-da. I'm excited because I live in a time and place which makes extended leave during the first year of a baby's life possible for the mom and the dad. Both of us. The parents. That is awesome.

Know what else is awesome? That my husband, PJ's daddy not only steps up with joy to spend five months of his life to be with his little man but that he is excited to be a hands-on, getting-dirty-and-rocking-the-house stay-at-home daddy for a while of his own free will.

Seriously. Stop laughing. Once I realized how awesome being with little man is, I offered to stay longer ... lets just say the words "No" and "way" were part of the Mr's answer (with a nice big F-word inbetween).

So I am excited!

But to the point about trusting the Mr. with PJ alone...let's be really clear: I don't trust you with my kid. I know, I know, I have become one of those moms. But, hand on the bible, I trust my husband. Yes, the Mr. will do many things differently. He will forget a lot. He will make mistakes. Will that always make me smile? No. Do I doubt his ability and his desire to be the best daddy ever? No. Will he do some things better than me? Oh hell, yes.

So, I won't make him lists of "how to take care of PJ" - nor will I call him every hour just to make sure that he is doing what is on those lists. I may call every 20 minutes to hear what PJ is doing, saying, eating, etc but that because I need to hear it, not because I think the Mr. can't hack it.
The problem - if you can call it that - is me. Not the Mr. Me.

(And, yes, I'll work on that whole trusting you with my kid thing. Sorry about that.)

2. "Since you hate your job, don't go back."

I am sad that my dedicated time with PJ is coming to an end but I am not sad that I am returning to my career. I'm sad about what I'm leaving behind - not what I am moving towards. I am and will always be his mommy. No one can take my place. He is my child. We will have wonderful times together and there are joys that I haven't even thought of yet, but there is a huge lists of won't be able tos:

• I won't have hours and hours every day for play dates with other kids.
• I won't always be the person to see all of his firsts. (And, yes, if I told you that you saw something before me - with the exception of rolling - I lied. Sorry about that. But you were so excited and, well, I'm a push over sometimes.)
• I won't have what seems to be endless time to lay around with him after his naps while he slowly wakes up, casually nursing and playing with his hair, my hair, his nose, my nose.
• I won't be able to read Chirpy Chick five times in a row every time he wants me too.
• I won't be able to goof around on the changing table, trying to make each diaper change less of a fight (or wrestling match) and more of a game, for endless periods of time.

...because sometimes I will need to get to work, or an appointment, or whatever.

But who said I hated my job? Not me, cause I don't.

3. "You should have enjoyed your time at home more." "You should be more thankful."
 

This glorious, blessed, amazing period of life is coming to an end and, yes, I grieve for it. I grieve for it and grieve in part for it because of how much I have treasured it while it was taking place. All good things come to an end. Yes. But being sad about it is natural and human and real. I could not have enjoyed it more and I could not be more thankful for this blessing.

So, since I seem to lack a mature way to deal with this one, a picture in response:

3. "A real mom feels the way you feel - a mom should be at home!" "Being a working mom is the only way to raise successful, independent kids!" "Don't make the mistake of staying home / going to work!"

If I've learned one thing from my career development: know your weakness, know your strengths, minimize your weaknesses, and set up your job and your life to build upon your strengths. An easy way to know what your weakness and strengths are is to put yourself into a specific situation, watch a pro at whatever job or life situation you are considering, and then note what you feel. If your response is, "I really admire this professional. Wow." and nothing else ... move on. You've just identified something you can appreciate but you are not interested in.

For example, my new stay-at-home mom friend. She is awesome. I admire her. She is poised, flexible, strict, funny, adaptable, clear, honest, and just damn likable while she balances two extremely different, equally outrageous and wonderful boys; a lovable, energetic puppy; a gregarious husband doing an hour commute each way; a regular exercise routine; a leading role in a local mom's group; a healthy and vibrant group of friends...there is probably more I don't know about yet ...all in a foreign country. Right now, as I type this, she has two extra adults and three extra kids in her house. And she is genuinely happy. I watch her with admiration and think, "I really admire this professional. Wow." ...and nothing else.

So, like race car driving and stock trading, I may be totally impressed but I'm not interested in learning how to do it myself.

However, if you are in that specific situation, watching an expert, and your think, "I really admire this pro and I need to know how she does it." ...stay. You've just identified something you are not only interested in but you are ready to put the work into to become good at it. 

For example, my working mom friend. She is also awesome. I admire her. Over the past seven years, I have slowly grown closer to her. She balances two intelligent and immensely entertaining girls; a key role (including creating and founding) the wonderful Heidelberg International Professional Women's Forum; a lovely and supportive husband; a vibrant group of friends all over the world; a nearly full-time job (the last time I checked)...and more that I don't know about...all in a foreign country and then throughout an international move. And she is also genuinely happy. I watch her with admiration and I want to know how she does it, practice it, morph it into what works for us, and then role model it for others.

So that's what I am going to be doing: becoming a working mom. Is it easier than being a stay-at-home mom? No. Is it harder? No, I don't think that is true either.

My choice to return to work is a choice that goes beyond me. It is a choice, a decision that the Mr. and I have made as individuals, as spouses, as parents, and as a family have made based on what we believe is right for us, for our family. It may change, it may not. Our choice is not a statement or a judgement about your family. Do what is right in your family and for your family. And, please, understand and respect - maybe even accept - that I will be doing the same for mine.

So, now allow me to revamp my original statement:

In just two days the Mr. starts his parental leave. Part of me is excited; but part of me also realizes that this amazing time with PJ is coming to an end in just four weeks and is very sad.


xo