Recently I posted on Facebook the following statement:
In just seven very short days Mr. starts his parental leave. Part of
me excited; but the part of me that realizes that this amazing time
with PJ is coming to an end in just five weeks is very sad.First thing: wow, I really need to reread my status updates for grammar in the future. Ouchie.
Second
thing: I thought I was doing that Facebook thing of sharing what was
going on in my head and moving on. But then private messages started finding their way
into my Facebook and email inbox. I realized that I had also
wandered into that strange world of parenting advice; the role of men
and women at home; and the whole stay-at-home vs. career mom debate.
Thankfully I'm Facebook "friends" with primarily rational, caring
people and the messages never ventured into the aggressive, insulting,
black-and-white realm one usually finds on the Internet. Instead they
were full of mostly kind, supportive messages...that didn't really
relate to what I was trying to express in very poor grammar. Instead
they seemed to represent to me so many misunderstandings that pop up in conversations about parenting.
Therefore, I decided to not just answer those personal messages but
to also write a blog post in the hope that maybe I can help influence
the overall conversation. Not that I'm asking too much of my little
corner of the web.
Wink. Wink.
Please note: none of these quotes are real and have been created to represent those misunderstandings in a broad way.
To the misunderstandings:
1.
"Yeah it really stinks when men try to get involved. They don't
have the skills and just get in the way. But no worries! The four hours
every day will pass quickly and your husband can't kill PJ that quickly."
"Write down how to do everything, add a daily list of things to
remember, and then call to make sure everything is going the way it
should."
I am excited that the Mr. is coming home to be with us.
Excited. And
not just because he does stuff like laundry, grocery shopping, and
cleaning the kitchen. I'm excited because I enjoy being with my husband
and PJ
loves being with his da-da. I'm excited because I live in a time
and place which makes extended leave during the first year of a baby's
life possible for the mom
and the dad. Both of us. The parents. That
is awesome.
Know what else is awesome? That my husband, PJ's daddy not only steps up
with joy to spend five months of his life to be with his little man but that he is excited to
be a hands-on, getting-dirty-and-rocking-the-
house stay-at-home daddy for a while of his own free will.
Seriously. Stop laughing. Once I realized how awesome being with little
man is, I offered to stay longer ... lets just say the words "No" and
"way" were part of the Mr's answer (with a nice big F-word inbetween).
So I am excited!
But to the point about trusting the Mr. with PJ alone...let's be really clear: I don't trust you with my kid. I know, I
know, I have become one of
those moms. But, hand on the bible, I trust
my husband. Yes, the Mr. will do many things differently. He
will forget a lot. He will make mistakes. Will that always make me smile? No. Do I doubt his
ability and his desire to be the best daddy ever? No. Will he do some
things better than me? Oh hell, yes.
So, I
won't make him lists of "how to take care of PJ" - nor will I call him
every hour just to make sure that he is doing what is on those lists. I
may call every 20 minutes to hear what PJ is doing, saying, eating, etc
but that because
I need to hear it, not because I think the Mr. can't
hack it.
The problem - if you can call it that - is me. Not the Mr. Me.
(And, yes, I'll work on that whole trusting you with my kid thing. Sorry about that.)
2.
"Since you hate your job, don't go back."
I
am sad that my dedicated time with PJ is coming to an end but I am not sad
that I am returning to my career. I'm sad about what I'm leaving behind
- not what I am moving towards. I am and will always be his
mommy. No one can take my place. He is my child. We will
have wonderful times together and there are joys that I haven't even thought of yet, but there is a huge lists of won't be able tos:
-
I won't have hours and hours every day for play dates with other kids.
-
I won't always be the person to see all of his firsts. (And, yes, if I
told you that you saw something before me - with the exception of
rolling - I lied. Sorry about that. But you were so excited and, well,
I'm a push over sometimes.)
-
I won't have what seems to be endless time to lay around with him after
his naps while he slowly wakes up, casually nursing and playing with his
hair, my hair, his nose, my nose.
- I won't be able to read Chirpy Chick five times in a row every time he wants me too.
-
I won't be able to goof around on the changing table, trying to make
each diaper change less of a fight (or wrestling match) and more of a
game, for endless periods of time.
...because sometimes I will need to get to work, or an appointment, or whatever.
But who said I hated my job? Not me, cause I don't.
3. "You should have enjoyed your time at home more." "You should be more thankful."
This glorious, blessed, amazing period of life is coming to an end and,
yes, I grieve for it. I grieve for it and grieve in part for it because
of how much I have treasured it while it was taking place. All good
things come to an end. Yes. But being sad about it is natural and human
and real. I could not have enjoyed it more and I could not be more
thankful for this blessing.
So, since I seem to lack a mature way to deal with this one, a picture in response:
3. "A real mom feels the way you feel - a mom should be at home!"
"Being a working mom is the only way to raise successful, independent
kids!" "Don't make the mistake of staying home / going to work!"
If I've learned one thing from my career development: know your
weakness, know your strengths, minimize your weaknesses, and set up your
job and your life to build upon your strengths. An easy way to know
what your weakness and strengths are is to put yourself into a
specific situation, watch a pro at whatever job or life situation you are
considering, and then note what you feel. If your response is, "I really
admire this professional. Wow." and nothing else ... move on. You've
just identified something you can appreciate but you are not interested
in.
For example, my new stay-at-home mom friend. She is awesome. I
admire her. She is poised, flexible, strict, funny, adaptable, clear, honest, and
just damn likable while she balances two extremely different, equally
outrageous and wonderful boys; a lovable, energetic puppy; a gregarious
husband doing an hour commute each way; a regular exercise routine; a
leading role in a local mom's group; a healthy and vibrant group of
friends...there is probably more I don't know about yet ...all in a
foreign country. Right now, as I type this, she has two extra adults and
three extra kids in her house. And she is genuinely happy. I watch her
with admiration and think, "I really
admire this professional. Wow." ...and nothing else.
So, like race car driving and stock trading, I may be totally impressed but I'm not
interested in learning how to do it myself.
However, if you are in that specific situation, watching an expert,
and your think, "I really admire this pro and I need to know how she
does it." ...stay. You've just identified something you are not only
interested in but you are ready to put the work into to become good at it.
For example, my working mom friend. She is also awesome. I admire her. Over the past seven years, I have slowly grown closer to her. She
balances two intelligent and immensely entertaining girls; a key
role (including creating and founding) the wonderful Heidelberg
International Professional Women's Forum; a lovely and supportive
husband; a vibrant group of friends all over the world; a nearly
full-time job (the last time I checked)...and more that I don't know
about...all in a foreign country and then throughout an international
move. And she is also genuinely happy. I watch her with admiration and I
want to know how she does it, practice it, morph it into what works for
us, and then role model it for others.
So that's what I am going to be doing: becoming a working mom. Is it
easier than being a stay-at-home mom? No. Is it harder? No, I don't
think that is true either.
My choice to return to work is a choice that goes beyond me. It is a
choice, a decision that the Mr. and I have made as individuals, as
spouses, as parents, and
as a family have made based on what we believe is right for us, for our
family. It may change, it may not. Our choice is not a statement or a
judgement about your family.
Do what is right in your family and for your family. And, please,
understand and respect - maybe even accept - that I will be doing the
same for mine.
So, now allow me to revamp my original statement:
In just two days the Mr. starts his parental leave. Part of
me is excited; but part of me also realizes that this amazing time
with PJ is coming to an end in just four weeks and is very sad.
xo
Her entire demeanor and her constant giggle expressed, "This is awesome! A time out! With big brother! I'm a big kid!"
